08/22/16

Dear Vance-

Your 22nd birthday would be a few months from tomorrow. Every month, on the 23rd, you're all I can think about. Somehow, 23 became my favorite number, not because of One Tree Hill, like I tell everyone, but because it was the beautiful day God gave me you. Of course, I wouldn't be born for 9 more months and like 20 days, but that's okay. Yesterday was my 4 year and 1 month anniversary of being discharged from the hopsicle, which is another big day in my life, other than my day of birth, your day of birth, your death date, and that fateful day in March. 2012 was just an all around crap year, for me, at least. I wish I had more to tell you about how exciting my life is, but I guess it's not exciting at all. I'm going to meet with vice principal Pead tomorrow about getting a job there. My ultimate goal is to be a high school English teacher and someday I'll figure out how to go to college so I can do just that. Sometimes I wonder if you ever decided what you wanted to do with your life. Like before your dad died and you turned to drugs. Then I wonder if you would be proud of my life goals. Then I remember that it doesn't really matter if you are proud, because you aren't here and I should stop pretending you are. I guess I'm kind of living in the past. Whenever my mom accuses me of that, I reply, "well why wouldn't I? I was happier then." Which is true. Not only because I don't produce seratonin like I used to, but I don't really have a lot to be happy or excited about these days. The most exciting news I have right now is that I have pit tickets to Luke Bryan the day after my birthday. Of course, I bought them for myself but I had to make sure I wouldn't be disappointed on my birthday. I think I'm going with Ian. At least, that's the plan right now. But that is still a long time away. I found some new music that I think you would like. Marc E. Bassy. Also known as Marc Griffin, who was the lead singer of 2AM CLUB, when they were still a band. He lives in LA (because there or Hollywood is where all the important people live). We're friends on Facebook. He's great. He has these two songs that you would like, in fact, they made me think of you, which is how I got the idea to write you. I'm listening to music as I'm writing this and his songs came on again. One called Dirty Water and the other is called Last One I Love. Marc is really talented. I love him. I love you more though. Today is another one of those days where I wish you were still here. I miss you boo. I really wish that you could come back.
💜 me

Dear Jake~

Hi. I went over to your house for dinner tonight. We grilled out and it was exciting because I, myself, had never made anything on the grill before. I'm basically a pro now, in case you were wondering. I love your parents Jake. I wish you were still here, to celebrate things like my first grill out where I actually grill out. I realize now that Jolene isn't your biological mother but she's your mom and that's better anyways. Jolene told me that when you were like twelve, you said that you wished she was your real mom. She also wanted to apologize for your stupid decision that majorly impacted my life but I interrupted her and said that it wasn't your fault at all. You didn't force me to have bad habits, bringing me to not have gas or follow road laws. That was all me. I should be thanking you. I could have been in a worse accident, if I hadn't been in that one that day. I could've been paralyzed or been completely brain dead, or worse, I could physically be asleep, but my brain could be awake. That would be torture. I could be able to remember everything. All the pain, all the trauma, everything. I'd like to think that I'm still here because of you. Sometimes, rarely, I wonder what it would be like if I had died, but then you would be responsible for your death and mine and I don't think you would be able to deal with that for all eternity. I'm excited to see you again. I look forward to it. I miss you. I love you Jake. If there was ever anyone that dying on my way to go see them would be okay, it would be you. You guys just weren't ready for me yet. I love you. 

My dear grandma Sandy~

You would be so proud. Zoe can play all of Beethoven's Fur Elise, as of three weeks ago. I still cannot play anything, I butcher chopsticks, for Pete's sake, but she can play. She's been grounded for the last month (haha) so she learned. Drove me insane every time she sat down to the piano but I know that you were smiling down on her while she learned. I miss you Grandma. So much.  But the world has only gotten worse since that wonderful year of 2012 and I'm sure you're glad to not be here anymore. Do you remember when you laid there in your hospital bed and I walked in, and you just cried tears of joy to see me walking and talking? I wish I would've stayed longer, so I have said a really good goodbye, I wish I hadn't been so bloody tired. I wish, I wish, I wish. Do you remember when my dad was working on your house and me and Emma went with him and we were in your backyard and you were lighting up and he told you to stop, that it would kill you. You replied, sassy as can be, "If it was going to kill me, I'd already be dead." 6 months later you were diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and died in the fall of 2012. I wonder if you would have not been so proud, had quit that day, would we still have you? I wish you would have. Of all the things I wish, I wish that the most. I miss you.