Dear Aaron~

I miss you.
I'm glad you still have your Facebook account, so that I can still post on your wall.
I feel like God took you from us way too soon, but I realize He needed you more than we did.
That doesn't make it hurt any less.
I've lost quite a few of my friends,
You being my biggest fan, the one that I knew I'd have through eternity.
I know I'll still have you for forever,
But it feels different when you're not still here.
Have I mentioned that I miss you?
♥ Kik

Dear family~

We had the funeral for my great grandpa, his wife (my step great grandma but I've always just called her grandma), and my cousin Aaron today, who's technically my second cousin, but ain't nobody got time for that. It was beautiful. All three of them were cremated and we laid there ashes to rest in the Salt Lake Cemetary, by my Mama Marti's ancestors. It was a really sweet funeral, where all of Grandpa Lynn's children spoke and the one kid they had together, Uncle Cory, spoke too and it was about the lives they lived and Mama said that we have Grandpa's legacy to live up to. It was great. I'm so thankful to have had those three in my life. I'm trying to be as selfless as Aaron was, how loving Grandma Lou Dean was, and how strong Grandpa Lynn was. I have quite a bit to live up to but I know that as long as I'm trying, it'll all be okay. I can't wait to see you guys again.
💜Kik

08/22/16

Dear Vance-

Your 22nd birthday would be a few months from tomorrow. Every month, on the 23rd, you're all I can think about. Somehow, 23 became my favorite number, not because of One Tree Hill, like I tell everyone, but because it was the beautiful day God gave me you. Of course, I wouldn't be born for 9 more months and like 20 days, but that's okay. Yesterday was my 4 year and 1 month anniversary of being discharged from the hopsicle, which is another big day in my life, other than my day of birth, your day of birth, your death date, and that fateful day in March. 2012 was just an all around crap year, for me, at least. I wish I had more to tell you about how exciting my life is, but I guess it's not exciting at all. I'm going to meet with vice principal Pead tomorrow about getting a job there. My ultimate goal is to be a high school English teacher and someday I'll figure out how to go to college so I can do just that. Sometimes I wonder if you ever decided what you wanted to do with your life. Like before your dad died and you turned to drugs. Then I wonder if you would be proud of my life goals. Then I remember that it doesn't really matter if you are proud, because you aren't here and I should stop pretending you are. I guess I'm kind of living in the past. Whenever my mom accuses me of that, I reply, "well why wouldn't I? I was happier then." Which is true. Not only because I don't produce seratonin like I used to, but I don't really have a lot to be happy or excited about these days. The most exciting news I have right now is that I have pit tickets to Luke Bryan the day after my birthday. Of course, I bought them for myself but I had to make sure I wouldn't be disappointed on my birthday. I think I'm going with Ian. At least, that's the plan right now. But that is still a long time away. I found some new music that I think you would like. Marc E. Bassy. Also known as Marc Griffin, who was the lead singer of 2AM CLUB, when they were still a band. He lives in LA (because there or Hollywood is where all the important people live). We're friends on Facebook. He's great. He has these two songs that you would like, in fact, they made me think of you, which is how I got the idea to write you. I'm listening to music as I'm writing this and his songs came on again. One called Dirty Water and the other is called Last One I Love. Marc is really talented. I love him. I love you more though. Today is another one of those days where I wish you were still here. I miss you boo. I really wish that you could come back.
💜 me

Dear Jake~

Hi. I went over to your house for dinner tonight. We grilled out and it was exciting because I, myself, had never made anything on the grill before. I'm basically a pro now, in case you were wondering. I love your parents Jake. I wish you were still here, to celebrate things like my first grill out where I actually grill out. I realize now that Jolene isn't your biological mother but she's your mom and that's better anyways. Jolene told me that when you were like twelve, you said that you wished she was your real mom. She also wanted to apologize for your stupid decision that majorly impacted my life but I interrupted her and said that it wasn't your fault at all. You didn't force me to have bad habits, bringing me to not have gas or follow road laws. That was all me. I should be thanking you. I could have been in a worse accident, if I hadn't been in that one that day. I could've been paralyzed or been completely brain dead, or worse, I could physically be asleep, but my brain could be awake. That would be torture. I could be able to remember everything. All the pain, all the trauma, everything. I'd like to think that I'm still here because of you. Sometimes, rarely, I wonder what it would be like if I had died, but then you would be responsible for your death and mine and I don't think you would be able to deal with that for all eternity. I'm excited to see you again. I look forward to it. I miss you. I love you Jake. If there was ever anyone that dying on my way to go see them would be okay, it would be you. You guys just weren't ready for me yet. I love you. 

My dear grandma Sandy~

You would be so proud. Zoe can play all of Beethoven's Fur Elise, as of three weeks ago. I still cannot play anything, I butcher chopsticks, for Pete's sake, but she can play. She's been grounded for the last month (haha) so she learned. Drove me insane every time she sat down to the piano but I know that you were smiling down on her while she learned. I miss you Grandma. So much.  But the world has only gotten worse since that wonderful year of 2012 and I'm sure you're glad to not be here anymore. Do you remember when you laid there in your hospital bed and I walked in, and you just cried tears of joy to see me walking and talking? I wish I would've stayed longer, so I have said a really good goodbye, I wish I hadn't been so bloody tired. I wish, I wish, I wish. Do you remember when my dad was working on your house and me and Emma went with him and we were in your backyard and you were lighting up and he told you to stop, that it would kill you. You replied, sassy as can be, "If it was going to kill me, I'd already be dead." 6 months later you were diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and died in the fall of 2012. I wonder if you would have not been so proud, had quit that day, would we still have you? I wish you would have. Of all the things I wish, I wish that the most. I miss you.

Dear James~

I should have never taken you back the first time. Yes, you would always be my 'what-if' but I'd rather that, than to remember you as the boy who always broke my heart. Broke my heart repeatedly and now it's fully crushed. What was that word I used after last time? Ah, yes, obliterated. Now that I only have fragments of a heart to work with, I'll be damned if I ever find someone else because who would want to try to piece back together my crushed heart. I thought you were the one, James. I gave you my everything, and you just shrugged and said you could find someone else. This coming from the same boy who told me when we started dating that you never would. How's that working for ya now? I'm crushed now but give me a little bit longer, I'll be over it in no time. Know what bugs me the most? It's that for one freaking second, I let my heart think and told my head to shut up and somehow, fell in love. But the boy I fell in love with lied to me for weeks and told me he loved me too and then dumps me right when I thought I heard wedding bells. I was talking to my friend Dylan the other day and he said 'he sounds like a dick.' And then he proceeded to say something about how I always fall for the dicks, douche bags, and the ass holes. Do you like that that's the classification that you fall in line with? You're not an ass hole for making me think you loved me, no, you're an ass for telling me, AFTER YOU DUMP ME, that you were about to propose. So I'll try to be your friend but how can I be friends with someone who I'm used to kissing? Someone who likes to lead me on? Someone who lies through his teeth? You say that it worked before you but the last person I kissed before you was essentially a rapist. So of course it would have worked before. I never got this far involved with anyone before. I would kiss people if I lost a football game bet. How did you expect this would go? That you could get me to fall for you and then throw up the deuces and I would be fine? Cause that's not how it went at all. I got more deeply involved with you than I probably will with anyone else for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself for the rest of my life, let alone with anyone else. I'm fervently crying as I'm writing this. I hope you're pleased with yourself, happy about all the heartache you caused. We can try to be friends, but I make no promises.

♥Kirsten

Dear James~

I know you're not dead but you're gone and I can't handle that. Do you want me to list all the things you're good for again? Will that make you come back? No? Crap. I'm a little lost then. I know we're just trying to be friends now but I don't know if I can do that. I'm going to list the things you're good for/at anyways.
1: you're good at video games (maybe too good. Where's your ambition?)
2: you're good at working at DI (again, do you have no ambition?)
3: you're really, really, very good at breaking my heart
4: you're good at leading me on (how long have you felt this way?)
5: you're good at making me feel like you love me
6: you're really good at making me cry
7: you're really good at confusing me
8: you were really good at being patient with me
9: you're really good at knowing what you want (unfortunately that's not me)
10: you're very, very good at making me feel like I'm not wantable
11: you're very good at saying we'll be friends and then not being my friend
12: I like how you know you don't have the self control to be around me and my family tomorrow, at least you know your limits
13: you're good at not telling your mom things
14: you're good for knowing that I'm just upset and that I don't mean any harm
That's all I can really think of right now. I'll let you know if I think of anymore nice things to say.

                                                                      ♥ Kik

Dear Aaron~

I know quite a bit of time has gone by since you died. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long. I was just talking to your dad and thinking about you. The night you died, I had the strangest dream. Strange because I don't typically remember my dreams and a little strange because of what you told me. You told me to tell our family you were okay and that you were preparing your immediate family's mansion above. The exact words you said to me were "somebody's got to do it and it might as well be me." I have always looked up to you and now I look up to you even more for coming to that conclusion, not only do I look up to you but I respect you for it. That was a very brave thing. I definitely couldn't have done it, we've already discovered that. Joel asked me to write this down and you know how I struggle with writing, so this will have to be good until my fine motor skills get better. I love you so much.


                                                                   ♥ me

Dear Kiera~

Monday night, Kiera Larsen - a ten-year old, elementary school child in Lakeside, California - was playing in the road with two toddlers when suddenly, a Mercedes parked on the side of the road (driveway), not turned on, shifts into drive and nearly runs over the two babies. Kiera pushes them out of the way and she takes the full brunt of the force. The news story I read said she died in the hospital but the clip I watched said she died in the ambulance. Anyways, what you did was so brave Kiera. If you weren't already a beautiful girl, you are now. I admire your actions. As a girl who has danced with death, I know that it's something I never want to do again, but to not just shimmy with death, but to take it head on, that takes guts. I feel bad that I only know of you because my dad said something earlier about this story.  Being from California, I feel like I should have known you but we lived in different cities, and you probably still in your momma's belly by the time we moved, almost 11 years ago. It's an irrational thought, this feeling of mine. I hope that Jake, Vance, and my Grandma Sandy are friends with you. I'm sure they'd love you. I know I do.
                                                          ❤️me

Dear Jake~

Dear Jake-

It's been forever.

How are you?

How's everything going?

Better than before?

"Before what?" you say.

Before your meltdown of 2012.

Yeah, sorry I didn't make it to your funeral

I had every intention to go but...

Things got complicated. 

And between fighting for my life

And trying to remember who I was and who everyone else is,

I was busy. 

Plus, I couldn't even remember who you were or how I knew you so I'm sure that would have been a really interesting conversation. I imagine it would've gone like this:

Are you Jake?

"Last time I checked, yeah"

Unfortunately, I can't remember what happened or how I knew you. Help me out?

"Remember Brayden?" you'd say

Anderson?

"That's the one."

Umm not really, I mean I know who he is but...

"So you don't remember hot tubbing at my house every weekend?"

No. But you see, things aren't really copacetic in my head. Somethin about a traumatic brain injury?

"Oh. I'm sorry"

I'm not. In my opinion, one of the best ways to go is trying to be there for your friends. 

"But, Kik, you didn't die. I need you to find my parents and tell that I'm okay."

K, Jake, I will. 

I'm sure that's the conversation we had in heaven or wherever we were.

Or something, somethin like that.

I guess I need to talk to his parents. Excuse me.

Dear Grandma Sandy~

I'm not going to ask you all the why questions. 

All I want to know is if heaven is nice. 

Is it always warm?

Is the sky always blue and cloudless?

Is it everything you thought it would be?

Is it even better than you thought?

How beautiful is it?

More beautiful than all the pretty girls who've ever existed?

Better than your wildest dreams?

Better than mine?

Did you know that Bill's parents house smells like yours?

Like coffee and fake flowers and love?

Do you know how much I love that?

How much I miss that?

How much I miss you?

How much Grandpa Ken misses you?

Do you even know?

What it's like to loose the best friend that you were to me my mom and Ken?

Not only that, but to loose your best friend three days before your birthday, therefore making 2012 the crappiest year ever?

My heart still hurts. 

I'm not saying this to hurt you, or trying to pull a 'poor me, pity me' scene, because the last thing I want is anybody's pity. 

I'm just voicing my thoughts, finally. 

Someone has to. 

I miss you. 

I'm going to go on a family history mission and you bet your butt (I know how much you loved to gamble) that you are the first one I'm being baptized for. 

Eternity just wouldn't be the same without you or any of our other family, to be honest. 

I love you so much.

I hope that you're proud of the life decisions I'm making. 

I'll see you soon, okay?

❤️me